Where have all the cheat codes gone~~

Hello Wanderer!


Earlier this week, from the comfort of the couch, my wife proclaimed that I was a cheater. Not that I was participating in any form of marital infidelity but rather that since I was using a Final Fantasy 6 “walk through”, I was in fact, cheating. Lightning quick I came to the defense of my bruised ego and tried to justify my actions by claiming that I only used the performance enhancing game-faq to help plan my course in the game. This tool, I explained, wasn’t being used to make the game easier but rather just to help minimize time spent needlessly exploring parts of the map trying to find where the story continued next.

I am a goddamn liar.

I have used the Game-Faq to tell me where the secret rooms are, how to prepare for the harder dungeons and much more.

I have a history of cheating at video games.

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Tales From The Sarlacc Strike Back!

Hello Friend,

The first month of 2016 is almost over and I have been completely shit about my New Year’s resolution to write more blogs.  Though I have procrastinated through the first few weeks, it is my endeavor to write a blog post every Sunday. I make the declaration and hope you will hold me to it as procrastination is with out a doubt my strongest talent behind eating bagel bites, which I happily do at a meta-human level.

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Star Wars Battlefront 3: A New Dope

Ho, Wanderer! Hear my tale!

This weekend I spent some republic credits on the new Star Wars Battlefront from Electronic Arts.  It was hard to break the chemical and psychological hold Fallout 4 had over me but the Force is strong. The Beta last month had whetted my appetite like a nice Corellian spiced ale and I was ready to laser some Rebel scum! Granted, I was never anticipating it to contend for “Game Of The Year” but I was still pumped for a solid AAA title set in the Star Wars ‘verse.

I have been primarily spending my time this weekend playing Fighter Squadron and Walker Assault to get my jollies.

Walker Assault” is a massive 40 player battle that takes it’s inspiration from the Hoth battle in Empire Strikes Back. This was the multiplayer available during the beta and it’s still my preferred infantry based mode. Rebels have the objective of bringing down the AT-ATs in an allotted amount of time while Empire focuses on disrupting the Rebel nodes and repelling the assault when the AT-ATs are made vulnerable. The only downside I find is that if the Rebels have a poor team then it becomes a drawn out experience as you are waiting for the clock to run out. Which turns into an Easter Egg hunt for the “Hero Power-Ups” to help boost your kill count and credits earned from the loss. I am terribad horrible when playing the heroes with the exception of Boba Fett because that smooth rocket pack jumping missile launching bounty hunter is a bad mother *@$%#!


“I have a rocket on my back. Do you want a rocket on your back?”

Fighter Squadron” is Battlefront 3’s ship combat mode and for me it is the clear winner. The balance needs some tweaking but I love the dog-fighting involved. Your piloting skill is essential to success and the lock-on system means even I can hit my targets. Understand that I have the natural aim of a Stormtrooper, the bumps his head often kinda Stormtrooper. So having a lock-on system which alerts the enemy to my presence but helps me hit the broadside of barns, is pure joy. The heroic power-ups in Fighter Squadron let you command the Millennium Falcon or Slave I for their respective faction. These ships are pure beast mode. It requires concentrated fire from the entire team to bring the behemoths down. The Falcon is setup to be a fast tank and Slave I has extra armaments and a lock-on jammer. Want a real asshat tip for flying the Falcon? Shield up and slam into Slave I to kill him on collision while taking minimal amount of damage in return.  It’s a shit move that actually extends to all the Rebel ships as well. The Rebel starfighters can employ shields while the Imperial ships have access to a speed boost. Unfortunately, in the actual dog-fight having shields granting the extra survivability is far superior.

How to describe Star Wars Battlefront 3 simply?


It’s so close!

This stunt presented above sums up SWBF3 because the game is so close to hitting the perfect mark. It’s fun but has balance issues. It has a variety of items and abilities but you don’t have strong ways to define your role on the battlefield. The squadron combat is great but it needs more ships to choose from and variety of objectives for the maps. Battlefront 3 conveys a real love for Star Wars with an excellent attention to detail. The game is just one or two DLCs away from being exactly the last meal I would request prior to a Sarlacc pit execution. (In case you are curious I provide the recipe below..)

Star Wars Cream Dream On Jedi Robes

1 part Tie Fighter by Lucasarts

1 part Dark Forces by Lucasarts

1 part Planetside 2

1 part Rogue Squadron II

Apply cream liberally around crotch area.

Here is to hoping the prophecy of updates will bring balance and an upcoming DLC will add space combat!

Until next time Adventurer.

May The Force Be With You.

Fallout 4 As Long As You Can

Hail Adventurer!

So begins another tale from the Sarlacc!

Over the weekend I was finally able to put the finish on Metal Gear Solid V:TPP.  The ending had some twists and unexpected changes to the entire timeline of the Metal Gear mythology. I really enjoyed my time spent with MGS5 and though I ended the game not even close to the 100% completion mark, I feel I have done my tour of duty and look forward to seeing what is to come! Until next time Snake.

Shine on Diamond Dogs. Shine on.

Metal Gear Solid 5

This Is No Juggalo

Having ended a game that thematically explored the fears and responsibility of a world on the brink of wholesale nuclear war.  I felt it was only fitting to play a game that explored the joys and irresponsibility of living in a post wholesale nuclear war world!


Time to set the world on fire again in Fallout 4!  First, if you ever happen to find yourself in a Sarlacc pit on some backwoods planet like Tattooine, then do yourself a service, as I did, and download the digital copy so that you may spend your 1,000 digesting years with the knowledge that you might be able to finish this game to its full extent.  Hopefully.

Fallout 4 is the Everlasting Gobstopper of the video game world.  At this moment I have around 15 hours of game play in and only ventured outside my “starting area” twice.  I have even read excerpts from people involved on the inside of Fallout 4 that they have logged well over 400 hours of game play and still have so much more available to do.  My mind cramps and scrambles for the nearest emergency exits at this thought!

From what I have played so far I can confidently say that Bethesda took Fallout 3 and pimped it out into a fly sweet ride. You like time sinks? We put time sinks into your time sinks, homie! Let’s talk about developing settlements. Now you can spend hours not just collecting tin cans and broken fans but hours building houses, laying out crops to grow or deciding where to setup defenses. Oh and by the way, while you are doing all of that, you still need to make time to get your ass out there to kill some raiders and do some questing!

At this point I am just waiting to come across an in-game collectible card game like Triple Triad then I will know Bethesda does the devils work.

Here is the real kicker though. It’s been really enjoyable so far. 15 hours in and I want to play even more. I will play more, but how will I be able to strike a balance between this and any new game that comes out over the next 5 years?!

There is a long hard road ahead but I have a fist full of bottle caps, a laser rifle, my trusty dog and a radioactive smile to see me through.

To be continued..


Oh yea and you have a dog now too! What?!


Snakes, It Had To Be Snakes.

Greetings adventurer!

This is Nick! The other guys made a terrible mistake and allowed me to write an extremely subjective blog for the website!

Tales From The Sarlacc is going to be a weekly blog for the site.  Will it be good? Oh, Odin of course it won’t!  It will be completely subjective and hopefully sprinkled with something halfway entertaining!  Let’s begin!

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain has slowly become my primary video game entertainment over the last few weeks. I have been working at a snails pace through the main story so I don’t rush the experience. To do this I have been spending copious amounts of time on the side missions just to improve the staffing at my base of operations (Mother Base).  Making sure my departments are crewed not only by high quality individuals but arranging them so that their personality quirks are balanced for maximum efficiency and minimal tension.  I love this game.

That is why I am so nervous and hesitant about picking up Fallout 4 because everything I have heard about what you can do in the game is like a Siren’s song calling me to smash my vessel upon foreign shores.  Never to see Mother Base again.  I don’t know if I have the soul to split between two games of this caliber. I decided the only sensible action was to drop all side work and focus exclusively on the main story arc of MGS5.  It was time to bring down the corporeal thunder pain on all villainy.

I sneak-smashed through the enemy lines readying my body for the final confrontation with the games antagonist.  Oh, to clarify, “sneak-smashing” is not recognized by the community at large as a real tactic, but it’s one I think we all use in varying degrees during Metal Gear Solid games.  You intend to sneak get caught and just say fuck it while going Bazooka-Joe on anything that dares drum it’s heart.

Sunday night I took down the big bad. In a clash made song for bard’s to earn their income in tavern’s across the land. I did succeeded and was given revenge.  With a heaping amount of questions as to what actually happened in the story but that seems par for the course when I play a title written by Hideo Kojima. The credits begin to roll and I start prepping to purchase Fallout 4.


Then it happened.


The reason I had so many unanswered questions at the end of the game was because I wasn’t actually finished. The screen gloats it’s text at me.

“Part 2”

I am only halfway through the game.

Damn you.  You beautiful game.